From A.A. to A.B.C.

Charlie Pierce

Looking back at my childhood I think the words that were most used to describe me were shy, introverted, and quiet. I would often get embarrassed and blush, my face would turn beet red when people would focus their attention toward me.

I have four sisters and no brothers. I am a twin to one of my sisters and the others are older than me. Growing up my memory of my interaction with them is very vague. I do remember that there was much jealousy between my two middle sister's that exists even to this day. I loved my twin sister very much and was kinda always looking out for her, I wanted to protect her, it was natural.

My mom's best friend lived only a few houses down from us. They were a big family, six boys and two girls. I remember often when my mom's friend would visit she would constantly boast of the achievements of her children. I never liked that about her. Maybe it made me feel that I was less then them. There were times when I would get praise for my accomplishments but it didn't seem to me to mean very much. Praise for accomplishments did not motivate me to “be all I could be”.

If I were to describe the atmosphere of my childhood it would be that it seemed I was surrounded by jealousy and pride. I looked at life as a competition, of who could out-do the other. Growing up wearing those spectacles was very difficult for me. After all there is always someone who is better then you at everything. Anyway, I didn't see how being “great” was so great.

As a teenager I discovered alcohol. Wow!, this seemed to be what I was looking for. When drinking I no longer felt the pressure of competition, I no long felt less then anyone. It gave me the self confidence I needed, not to “be all I could be” but only to escape the pressure of that idea. I drank at every opportunity I could get. It was not until much later in life, my early thirties, did I understand any of this. When I was drinking I wasn't thinking and that was OK with me.

The trouble (with the law and my parents) that drinking caused me never seemed to out-weigh the confident effects to my personality that drinking had on me. 

At the age of 18 I quit college after only three months. My rationalization was that college is simply not for some people and I was one of those people. However, looking back, I was drinking most of the time and drinking was my only interest.

At 24 I got married. By this time I was heavily dependent on alcohol. In fact I had to get drunk on our first date in order to have the confidence I needed to go out with her. My marriage lasted 4 ½ yrs. I was way too immature to be married. Something I have learned about alcohol is that it drastically effected my maturity. By escaping the realities about myself I never learned about myself. I never learned how to overcome the lies about myself that I believed. In effect, mentally I was much younger then 24.

Under the influence of alcohol I was very vulnerable to all sorts of wicked ideas. I had not the power to resist doing almost anything. It's as if my conscience was suppressed. This led me into much trouble with employment, relationships, and the law.

After my divorce I had finally begun to look at my life and what I was becoming or had become. “This is not what I was meant to be” It seemed. Drinking is a downward spiral that often goes unnoticed by the participant until there is much destruction in life. I sought help. I was directed to Alcoholics Anonymous(AA).

I struggled much trying to stay sober. I mean, here I was in my early 30's attempting to faces not only  who I was, a shy kid who never seemed to measure up against the competition, but I had to also face all the consequences me and alcohol had achieved. All the destruction we left in our wake. This was very difficult for me to handle. And perhaps the reason I could not stay sober for too long. I was in and out of A.A. for years.

One of my attempts staying sober lasted 7 yrs. I had come off a terrible car accident while being drunk that involved other people, thankfully no one was seriously injured. I went back to A.A., got a sponsor and began working the 12 steps. After about 1 ½ yrs sober and completing the forth step (the moral inventory of your life that you admit to with God, yourself and another person), I was relieved of much of the unworthiness I felt about myself. I no longer saw myself as being so unique. It was at that point that I really wanted to be forgiven of my past. It was not forgiveness however from others that I needed it was forgiveness from God that at the time really mattered to me. People may or may not forgive you when you ask. Is God the same way? I was afraid he was. The shame I felt when approaching Him was torture. It seems much easier to try and hide from Him.

One day while I was sitting in an A.A. meeting I heard a man up towards the front of the room talking about Jesus, I don't remember what he actually said but after the meeting I had an uncontrollable urge to ask him what he was talking about. He shared part of the gospel with me and I understood for the first time how God went about to forgive us, all of us, even me. This was how God can forgive me, truly forgive me, through His son. I began attending church on Sunday's. It was not long after when I heard the words, “come as you are”. I knew then that God knows all of my sins and he just wants me to come to Him just as I am, sins and all. I could face Him! I need not hide anymore! God knows me!

I wanted to know God. Everything I could possibly learn about Him I wanted to learn. I began a four year study of God. I thought about attending a Bible College but never did. I studied after work, by myself, at home. I was never much of a reader in school but I began reading book after book after book. I began to deeply study Systematic Theology, the works of Augustine, Luther, Calvin, and Hodge. This lead me  into the study of philosophy and the works of J. Edwards and the history of philosophy from Plato to Sartre. I had accumulated a library of over 200 books easy. I did purchase a Bible, however that just became a reference for my philosophy.

After 4 yrs. of intense study I began to get discourage that everything I was learning didn't seem to be helping anyone else but me. I began to seek more worldly satisfactions like bodybuilding and lusting after women. It was just past a year of that that I began drinking again which once again started the downward spiral of self destruction. I tried to control myself the best I could but it is impossible as alcohol became my Master once again. It was no time and I was fired from my job. I spent all the savings I had from retirement plans and stocks on drugs, alcohol and gambling. I pawned anything I could get a buck for. I was arrested numerous times, put in prison, and made many trips to mental hospitals, rehabs and psychotherapist. I was put on one medication after another. I was told that I suffered from major depression and was bipolar. I attempted suicide by swallowing all my medication. 

During those years I got married again. My wife had a 2 yr old daughter. My wife worked and I drank. We separated many times because of my irresponsibility. It was the last separation that we had that I decided I had enough. I went to live with my sister and attempted to get sober again. I knew that I had to seek God again because that was how I was able to stay sober before. So, I began studying over the Internet. I was back in the Systematic Theology's.  After 6 weeks sober I return to my wife.

One day as I was studying Theology on the Net I decided to check and see if there were any Bible schools on-line that offer free courses. I found  Aletheia Bible College was free. I signed-up and began studying. Aletheia has been a God send for me! It has directed me to the Bible. I always believed that the Bible was God's word, however my studies before lead me to other books primarily. Thanks to Duncan Heaster, JB, and the Christadelphian's the Bible has become my primary source for truth. Other books are helpful, but now they have become the reference books. The Bible has opened up for me in a way that I could never have imagined. The truth is there! All of those orthodox doctrines I had studied in the past could no way have opened the bible for me as it now is. All the mystery of those things I had been learning and could never fully understand have been replaced with truth. The truth has been jumping off the pages at me. I knew in my heart that the “trinity” of God was not right I just didn't know how to explain it. When the truth that God is one came to me through Scripture, I knew in my heart that it was right. No one has to just learn some orthodox doctrines that end with mystery and go no further. The Bible has much, much more depth then that, so much spiritual depth that none of us could ever exhaust it all. But discovering the truth and digging deeper for spiritual significance is the power the Bible holds to change our lives that we may continue to grow and resist the temptations of  our flesh. God word is spiritual, it's not just a list of beliefs we hang on the wall or put in a creedal statement that after we can say we believe them we have no more use for the Bible. I know that to be true for me. All my hope is in God, the God who gave me His word, and in that I trust. And only by diligently seeking Him through His Word can I attain salvation and find what true happiness is, loving God and other's with a real understandable purpose.

May God Bless you,

Charles Pierce